Here’s a fun activity for your next Southwestern Advantage campus meeting: grab a friend and tell them that no matter what, they cannot smile. Next, sit across from them and smile. See how long they can last without smiling back. Most people last less than a minute before breaking into a grin. And all you did is smile at them!

            In the book “Social Intelligence,” psychologist Daniel Goleman, Ph. D. describes how the human brain is truly a social organism. When we see an emotion on someone else’s face, our own faces naturally begin to mimic that expression and we actually begin to internalize that emotion ourselves. That’s why we cry at sad movies, and why laughter can be contagious. Goleman calls this synchronization of emotion and expression between two people “rapport.”

            But wait—isn’t establishing rapport the first part of the introduction in the Southwestern Advantage sales cycle?

            It sure is! Students in the Southwestern Advantage summer program learn that the first step in making a sale is to find a connection with their prospect. So how can we use this idea of rapport as emotional synchronization to help improve our ability to connect with Mrs. Jones?

            It’s pretty simple, actually. Most of us are guilty, at some point or another, of assuming that just because we drop a few names, our current prospect feels connected to us. And then we end up confused when the prospect doesn’t buy our product! The problem is that simply telling Mrs. Jones who else has bought your books doesn’t establish any sort of emotional connection. All it does is let her know that you’ve been trained in sales. To truly establish rapport through using names, we need to emotionally connect with our prospects.

            The best way to do this is by telling stories about your customers that elicit a shared emotional response. For example, if you know that Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Smith both have kids on the soccer team, sharing a story with Mrs. Jones about how frustrated Mrs. Smith was with long practices on a school night can remind her of her own frustration. (But remember to be ethical: only share true stories!) Because you are now both sharing the emotional experience of long practices, Mrs. Jones begins to feel connected to you. You have successfully created “rapport.”

            So for those of you frustrated with your attempts to establish a connection with your prospects, try creating that emotional synchronization. Hey, you could even ask them to try as hard as they can not to smile…

            Aside from using names during the summer more effectively, how else could you use the “emotional synchronization” understanding of rapport, either while selling or recruiting? Feel free to share in the comments section below!

For more information on Daniel Goleman and Social Intelligence, visit danielgoleman.info, or pick up the book from your local library!

First impressions are tricky.  People make rapid assumptions about new acquaintances.  Oftentimes, you can be mistaken about what you see and hear from a Southwestern candidate or a recruit. 

If you’re going to be working with someone you don’t know well, you need to manage the budding relationship, not just the first impression.   

Let’s explore an example.  If you’re following up with a new Southwestern team member and they show up late for the meeting, you have several options: 

1)     ignore the fact they’re 15 minutes late and proceed

2)     when (if) they apologize, say, “Oh, it’s no big deal.”

3)     Confront them politely. 

Early on in my Southwestern recruiting career, I would have opted for #2.  I valued the team member liking me above our business relationship.  If you pursue ignoring or excusing behavior you don’t appreciate, expect more of it.  When I said, “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal,” I was teaching that person how to treat me in the future.  I was unconsciously teaching them my time was not valuable.  Once I chose this interpersonal route, I couldn’t then be upset if they showed up late for other follow-ups. 

Option 3 might sound like this: “Jennifer, it’d be great for you to be on time when we meet again.  When you show up late, I feel like you don’t value my time…. I’m meeting with a bunch of students today, and it throws everyone off.  But I still like you!  I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”  Be sure to pause and let them feel a smidge uncomfortable. 

(Use judgment! If they’re just totaled their car and they’re bleeding, or if there’s been some calamity, you can cut them some slack. If they overslept, see above.) 

If you choose to let people know how you feel when they’ve violated one of your rules (in this case, punctuality), they will normally make adjustments.  If they are tardy again, you need to amp up the message, making it more uncomfortable.   

Punctuality is one example.  Teach people how to treat you in other areas: turning in completed reports, returning calls, responding to texts—there are many ways to let new team members know what behavior you want.  Feel free to comment!  Can you give me other examples—Southwestern or not—where this would be useful?

Southwestern FORCE team with Gov. Perry

And now for a departure from my normal sales blog for a chance political encouner: I was running a Leadership Retreat for Southwestern student managers in Des Moines, IA last week.  As we wrapped up lunch and were heading into the conference room, one of the managers remarked, “Rick Perry is in the restaurant.”  Didn’t register.  I was busy getting the projector ready, messing with the PowerPoint.  Then I got a text: “Rick Perry in restaurant.”  It dawned on me that this was no joke, since there was a debate that night in town!  We suspended the meeting and I headed over to meet one of our alums, now Republican presidential candidate.

A cluster of student managers encircled Gov. Perry.  I naturally pushed them aside and shook hands.  It was a nice encounter–the restaurant had emptied–and there were a couple bodyguards on the periphery.  Perry seemed interested in the Southwestern students, and his body language gave no indication he was in a hurry to exit.  We chatted about Southwestern, who we knew, and asked him about that night’s debate.  His ”Gold Seal Gold” election schedule sounded daunting, and we were glad to be able to spend a few minutes with him.

Overall, Perry made a good impression (would you expect any less?).  He was warm, friendly, interested in us and what we were doing.  Obviously, photos were in order so we fell in and took a few shots.  As we broke up, we asked him if he would mind saying a few words about his Southwestern experience on video.  Perry told us that he could not endorse a product or company, but he did say we could quote him: “Southwestern’s the best thing I ever did.”

Dealing with stuckness during a Southwestern summer.

I travel to many weekend meetings during the summer.  On Sundays, I always meet with Southwestern students–many of whom are struggling–with their self-imposed limitations, with their belief levels in selling, with feelings of frustration because they’re not hitting their goals.  Invariably, they’re in a mental “death-loop”: their self-talk is negative, which leads to a mental image of what they don’t want, which leads to an outcome or action that confirms their self-talk!  A self-fulfilling sales prophecy that is limiting.

We’ve all done this in some way if we’ve sold with Southwestern: You look at a house and think to yourself: “I know I’m not going to get in.”  You form a mental picture of this negative outcome.  You muster up the courage anyway, knock and shock–you didn’t get in; then you tell yourself: “See! I knew that wouldn’t work.”  We don’t get what we want; we get what we picture.

So my PC (personal conference) might sound like this:

Me: “Tell me what’s happening.”

Student: “I just can’t get in doors.  People don’t let me in.  Ever.”

Me: “Really.  No one ever lets you in.”"

Student: “Well…some do.”

Me: “Tell me more.”

They go on to describe their stuckness in great detail.  Using all kinds of universal statements, like “everyone”, “no one”, “always” and “never”.  First person, present tense, with emotion.  All their assertions reinforce what they don’t want!

I finally counter with a key question: “What do you want to happen?” 

This usually brings an abrupt halt to their sad monologue.  Southwestern students who are locked into their mental morass are not often looking for solutions, and the new question interrupts their train of thought. They are wallowing in self-pity and a vicious self-defeating cycle.  After I ask, “What do you want to happen?” they typically give their right answer.  Example: “I want to get in doors so I can make a sale.”

My reply? “Great, let’s talk about how to do that.”  A how-to question allows us both to explore options and think about what the Southwestern student can do differently to reach a different outcome.  Most people who are suffering from stuckness are in the “why-question” mode: “why is this happening to me?” or “why can’t I get in doors?”  Breaking their state a bit with an entirely new question–”what do you want to happen?”–can launch the conversation into a much more useful area: the how-to-fix-this area.

If you’re selling (or studying or working out or feeling bad about yourself) and you’re mentally stuck, you don’t need me to PC you.  Ask yourself, “What do I want to happen?” or “How do I want to feel?”  Your brain will begin to give new & improved answers.  Thoughts?  Comments?  Southwestern veterans, chime in and let me know if this makes sense!

Here’s a principle of human nature that can be useful in these moments.  NLP shows us that questions are the answer.  When our brain hears a question, no matter how unthinkable, it automatically imagines an answer.  Try it for yourself — pick something you don’t think you can do, or do well.  Then, ask yourself this question: “What would it be like if I could do _________ really well?”  Example: “What would it be like if I could sell really well?”  Or “What would it be like if I were really bold when it came to building a team?”

Your brain automatically imagines what it would be like — it can’t help it.  It’s automatic.  And it moves your mind from the frozen position of “impossible” to one of, “what would it be like if…?” and that’s a much more resourceful state to be in.  Belief is a funny thing.  Our brain always looks for evidence to support our thoughts.  We must be careful what we think about our sales ability or our ability to build a Southwestern team.  When we make statements to ourselves, like “I could never sell like _________” (insert name of top producer), we tend to believe it.  To ask, “What would it be like if I could sell like ______?”  At once our brain shifts from “stuckness” to “unstuckness.”   We imagine answers rather than limits.

After you begin to imagine what it would be like if you did have that skill or ability, then it might be useful to ask, “And how would I do that?”  Hmmm.   More potential answers and useful thoughts!  You might decide to phone up that top producer and ask them how they do it.  You might ask to follow them on the field for a day and model their behavior and/or attitude.  You might ask them what they think about all day long and compare it to what you normally ponder.  Once you get unstuck with the “what would it be like if I…” question, you can switch to “how” questions.

You can use this rut-breaking question in all areas of life.  What would it be like if you could really be focused when you study?  What would it be like if you could play Call of Duty 3 really well?  How about the realm of dating: what would it be like if you were really confident about asking cool people out?  Think about it.  What works for you?  Send me a comment!  Southwestern is not the only context where this mental agility applies.

Before my first summer with Southwestern, my manager Jake trained me on the principle of self-talk. Self-talk is prevalent throughout the culture of Southwestern, and it’s a very simple idea. We all have a natural tendency as human beings to think negative thoughts: “This family will probably blow me off, too.” “They probably won’t need the books, either.” “Nobody in my turf has any money.” In a cold-calling sales job, the negative thoughts can get especially ugly: “Why are so many people telling me no? What’s wrong with me?” “I suck at this and I suck at life. I should just give up.”

If we don’t do something to control this kind of negative thinking, we end up hurting our sales and ourselves. The way we are taught in Southwestern to control this is with positive self-talk: saying positive words and phrases OUT LOUD. Why? Because it’s impossible to think something negative while at the same time saying something positive, and for some reason, our brain is more likely to believe something we say than something we think. (Positive action precedes positive thinking.)

But despite the major benefits of self-talk, few people actually use it. Many feel awkward talking to themselves in public, and others have tried but have found it to be unsuccessful. Surprisingly, the answer to both objections is the same.

Self conversation is the key to Southwestern sales success.

Here’s the key to making self-talk work: self-conversation. No, that doesn’t mean having a two-part conversation where you play both the lead and supporting actor (though you could, if that’s what floats your boat). It means not preaching to yourself, but actually believing what you say and simply explaining it to yourself. Let me give you an example.

My worst summer in sales, I used self-talk every single day. I said things like, “It works if I’m working, and I’m working, so it’ll work.” “I do everything right.” “People like me, they like my books, and they buy them.” Contrast that with my best summer, where I used self-conversation every day. I said things like, “It works if I’m working, and I’m working, so it’ll work.” “I do everything right.” “People like me, they like my books, and they buy them.”

Now, this is hard to convey via the written word, so bear with me and use your imagination. My tone of voice when uttering these phrases during my worst summer was often similar to the tone one hears from a father severely disciplining a delinquent child. The implication was, “Jaselyn, you’re so dumb, why do I have to remind you of this stuff? Quit trying and start doing, you idiot!” Other times it had a sense of desperation, as if by saying these words enough times, I could magically force people to start buying my books. The result was people uninterested in spending time with someone who didn’t even want to spend time with herself, and a frustratingly low volume of sales and high volume of cancellations.

The difference during my best summer was that rather than lecturing myself or pleading in desperation for a sale, I was simply stating a fact. I was simply reminding myself every now and then of how things are. And the strange part is I felt a lot less awkward saying the phrases. They seemed natural and normal because I believed what I was saying. As a result, every approach felt natural and relaxed, and I had a lot of fun with each family I met, whether they bought or not. But most of them did.

So how do you use self-talk effectively? By making it conversational and believing what you are saying.

So, for your own sake, use some positive self-conversation. Have fun with yourself and your customers, and keep those pesky negative thoughts away.

Also, feel free to share any of your favorite positive phrases in the comments section. Thanks for reading our Southwestern sales blog!

• Peace of mind
• Love
• A sense of security
• Fear of loss
• Providing a good environment for their children 

Try asking feeling-oriented questions. 

All of these reasons are also feelings.  In the Southwestern introduction phase of the cycle of selling, try inserting a couple feeling-oriented questions: 

1. “Mrs. Jones, what is most important when it comes to your children and their education?”
2. “A lot of moms have told me that, by why is it important to you?” 

Ask these questions after you’ve established rapport.  To the first, prospects will likely give you “standard” answers—in the Southwestern example, she’ll probably say, “…to get a good job” or “…to help them prepare for a career.”  You want to dig deeper.  Question #2 does that.  In essence, you’re saying, “Thanks for the nice, generic answer, but really…can we talk?”  The first question opens up the topic; the follow up question goes deeper and is more personal.

If the prospect responds with a feeling level answer, you are getting somewhere.  “I didn’t finish school and it’s always bothered me.”  You have touched an emotional topic.  You can draw her out by asking, “Tell me more.”  If she responds with: “I’ve always felt the only thing that cost more than a good education is not having one.”  Hot button!  I would follow up with: “Wow, Mrs. Jones, that’s pretty profound—why do you feel that way?” Why questions help at this point. Get them talking and keep them talking.  NOTE: Learn to recognize an emotional topic when you hear it; a conversation can be emotional in nature yet be visibly unemotional, if that makes sense.  She will probably not burst into tears. 

If you have examples, please comment!  Remember, the more she discusses her situation, her children, her challenges, her feelings, the better.  With this new knowledge, you can better show how your product can help fill her needs—in the Southwestern example, her educational needs.

In order of conversational depth, here are four areas/topics people discuss: 

1.      Things

2.      People

3.      Ideas

4.      Feelings

Let’s explore these conversational levels. 

Things are easy: the weather, local events, what you do for a living—all these are “safe” conversation points.   Talking about people is slightly more volatile, especially if they are controversial, but everyone spends a lot of time talking about other people.   

Now defcon 3: Ideas.  Ideas are more complex still, since you can be venturing into emotional areas.  Remember asking a mom something innocuous, like: “So, Betty, how do you feel about the school system here?”  And Boom!  You get an earful, since you waded into the arena of ideas, specifically education. 

Finally, there is level 4—feelings.  Few people openly talk about their feelings, especially with a college student who is sitting in their living room.  BUT, it pays to address her emotions.  People buy for emotional reasons, and justify their decisions with logic.   

Why do people buy things?  Using Southwestern as an example, Mrs. Jones buys because she has 1) a loving obligation to provide for her children and 2) a sense of responsibility for her children and their lives.   These reasons are also feelings.  How you get her to tap into a “feeling level” will be discussed in the next blog.  Stay tuned and feel free to comment—it will help our other Southwestern salespeople!

1.  Opening with an awkward approach.  A bad first impression goes a long way.  I remember many of my earlier attempts to “be different” at the door.  Most often it worked.  People smiled.  I got in.  Occasionally, my attempts at humor failed.  I saw the confusion/annoyance flash on the prospect’s face, and knew I was dead from the start.

2.   Monologue-ing.  Did you see the cartoon movie, The Incredibles?  The arch-villain, Syndrome, catches himself just talking–explaining his diabolical plan at length to the hero.  If you’re a villain, monologue-ing can ruin your plans.  A one-sided conversation from you, the salesperson, can also ruin your sale.  Be sure to initiate a conversation—get them talking and keep them talking.

3.  Lack of enthusiasm.  If you’re more than a month into the Southwestern summer internship, you’ve given more than 600 demonstrations.  You may have noticed that initial burst of excitement is gone!  Ho-hum demos don’t fly.  One of the challenges in any sales effort is maintaining enthusiasm for what you’re doing and the product you’re demonstrating.  Remember, you may have given the demonstration a thousand times—your prospect sees it once.

4.  Spending too much time with non-buyers.  You can burn a lot of energy with non-prospects.  Pay attention to non-verbal feedback!  If they’re staring at you, mouth agape, with a faraway look in their eyes, perhaps you are not connecting.  If they’re texting or glancing at their watch or their TV, perhaps they are not exactly tuned in and interested.  If they walk out of the room during your demo, perhaps you’re not as scintillating as you imagined.  Ask, “So, Mrs. Jones, does this look like something the kids would use?”  If she says, “Not really”, then leave—save your energy for a buyer!

5.  No close.  I am stunned by how many Southwestern dealers don’t use the closing steps!  They either a) talk until the prospect interrupts with, “Can we buy this?  I have to cook dinner.” Or b) they bluntly ask, “So…do you want one?”  Awkward.  Use the close that has worked for years.  Be bold and assumptive!

When selling, you have to be your best self: sharp, engaging, interested, service-minded, friendly…in short, you have to be in a peak state.  People respond to you first and your product second.  They have good B.S. detectors.  They want to deal with your human side first and your Southwestern sales side second.

If you attended Southwestern‘s Sales Schools recently, you may recall Nicholas Boothman sharing the idea that before a prospect buys anything, they have to buy you!  If they like you, prospects will look for opportunities to say “yes.”

To that end, Tom Hoobyar, NLP Master Practitioner and blogger, shares six good insights about becoming likeable:

1 – The biggest secret of popularity is to give your whole-hearted attention to the other person.

2 – The second biggest secret of being well liked is to forget yourself completely and become genuinely interested in other people.

3 – The third big secret of being popular with others is to learn to listen with everything you’ve got.

4 – The fourth big secret of popularity is not to be a know-it-all.  “I didn’t know that!” are magic words.

5 – The fifth big secret of being popular is to admit your mistakes, especially if someone has been hurt or inconvenienced. It’s good to apologize even when it’s not your fault.

6 – The sixth big secret is to say “Thank you” every chance you get.

Everybody cares about himself or herself, so as long as you make someone feel comfortable and interesting, you will be liked and accepted.  You can practice this with any other person; it just takes two of you.  If you’re on the bookfield, focus on getting Mrs. Jones to like you! 

Your likeability is the foundation for trust–one key to a Southwestern sale.

The first three suggestions listed above are attitudinal–they are habits; they are choices.  They take effort.  It’s easy to have a self-centered attitude.  It’s harder to be service-minded (see #6 above).  It’s easy to be negative.  It takes energy to remain positive and “other-oriented.”  What’s the payoff?  People will like you.  They will want to be around you.  They will want to buy from you.  Repeatedly. 

My first summer with Southwestern, I experienced success and failure to a degree depending on my mental choices.  When I entered a home with units/sales on my mind, more often than not, I did not sell.  Mrs. Jones came up with a variety of objections to throw my way.  Why?  I was attempting to sell her (my sales side) rather than serve her.  People want to interact with your human side first, then your sales side.  The human side–the likeable you–is the part of you they trust and will respond to. 

When you’re with a prospect, get them to like you!  Your human side is much more appealing than leading with your sales side.  Look them in the eye and smile!  Listen with everything you’ve got!  Be grateful for their time.  Let me know your thoughts on the subject of being well-liked.  Southwestern students and alumni, feel free to comment.